It was a crime to feel lonely yesterday. It was due to the rainy afternoon and such July memories that keep on flashing on my mind. And yes, I was a suspect for the committed crime called lonely.
While waiting for people to pass by in school, he was there. A few inches right from where I was standing. I clearly remember that I always wait for him after some school activities. We always walk home together. Yesterday, after the school activity, I walked out of the campus alone under my umbrella.
On my way home, the weather was too gloomy. The song I heard made the rainy weather melancholic. "It's okay", I told myself. Someday, I'll get used to this.
I really am not into anything right now. I mean I don't feel good. I slept late last night. I just cleaned my stuffs. Yeah, I removed all the things I collected. It's now time to throw old pictures, receipts, and things you couldn't even think I kept. I didn't feel like being sentimental anymore. I really need to set things free and forget what is behind. I'm not yet done but I'll continue later this afternoon. It's so hot right now. ☼
♥►Anyway, what really makes me sorrowful is the memories from the past. Yeah, they're up to me again. Argh, I wish there's a way to erase memories. Happy memories I had makes me sick. They shouldn't be but they are.◄♥
BUT I should always remember that all those things already happened and there's no way to bring it back. God has reasons why it was taken. (Ecclesiastes 3:1)And now, I clearly understood why. It took months for me to realize that. Such a long waste of time. I depended myself on a human when I shouldn't be. Happiness can't be gained by humans or things rather happiness comes from God alone.(Galatians 5:22)
I've been hurt to deeply but now the scars are healing. I used to think it can't be mended. And I guess the only thing that can heal us is for us to choose to be healed. I took some quiet months where I only pondered on God's word. With that, I found what I was looking for. God healed me. God has forgiven me. He loves me no matter what. He opened my eyes to see what He has for me. I'm glad I had chosen to be healed because God used my hurt feelings to turn back to Him and be reminded of His love. (2 Corinthians 7:9)
I don't blame God neither question Him. I know He has better plans for me even if it means I lose the things/people I want.(The things I think good for my own.) God gave His everything which is His Son, Jesus Christ for us to be saved only if we believe and surrender our life to Him. If God did this, won't He freely give us everything else? (Romans 8:32)
♥But most of the times, I'll be reminded of those memories that will hurt me, like now. My defense for that is God's word and prayer (Ephesians 6:14-17). God is with me and I'll be fine. Memories will fade away sooner or later. I have to keep myself focused on God and not be distracted by things.♥
Well, today is a very special day for me. A very, very special, sweet day ruined by a rat. I'm celebrating my two years stay in church. :]] Here's a bit history why I really love May 25. :]]
May 25, 2008
It's a clear Sunday that morning. I went to church after a long time of rebellion and God had found me. :]] Also, I happened to "have seen" God's gift. *^^* Lastly, I remember buying a big plastic of M&Ms that afternoon. I ate it all and it made me happy. Ooops, I also went to a birthday celebration that night and I was wearing brown polo. :]]
May 25, 2009
A hot Monday that reminds me of my first year in Church. :]] It's also Karasuma's birthday. I, too, enrolled that day to my new school. Lastly, it happened to be the 100th episode of Grey's Anatomy--which I really love. It was supposed to be Grey's and Shepherd's wedding but they gave it to Izzie who was about to die.
May 25, 2010
A clear Tuesday that was ruined by a rat. It's my 2nd year in Church and also Karasuma's birthday. About the rat thing, well I hate rats and I saw one outside today. Argh, I ran and screamed. My two young cousins laughed at me and made a joke. Haha. :]] Also, it's also the birth of my Tuesday's with Jan.
Now, now, I happened to have opened a tumblr account which gave me less time writing here. With that, I've come to decide that this page of mine will be opened only every Tuesday with stories of things I never knew I had or things I wanted to share. :]] God Bless
We ate in Chowking. It's really nice. After I ate mine, I stared blankly while drinking my coke. I think what I thought during that time is that you are going to say goodbye again. You've said that a lot of times and all those times I really cried hard - -(for long days).
Well, before we ate, you said that I'm like your mom by always changing my mind. Also, before, when we were in the playground, you also said that I'm like your mom who does not listen to conversation by running away. I thought hard. I don't want you to think of me by always running away and by shifting my mind always.
I tried hard not to run away from you when you are talking. It's really hard. I wanted to cry but I did not because I don't want you to know how I really feel. I listened to you. That was the dawn in St. Thomas during our camp. You said that for the first time, I did not run away. Do you know why I did that? I hope you know. I really kept my tears inside and my heart I think while you are saying those words, it stopped beating and wished that it would never beat again. But it did not because that's reality. I kept my ears open and so is my heart while it's beginning to break again. I listened to you. I had the effort.
About shifting minds? I hope I can do that too for you to see.
BTW, it's 24 today. It was July 24, 2009 when I first saw you.
“Strangers at one point, good friends in time. Nobody knows how our world works. It’s a matter of time when you truly appreciate person. a matter of fate: where the right people are at the right place and at the right time. Nobody understands how the universe conspires for us to meet the people we’ll have or have communications with. But then, it just happens, you click and the story begins.”
“Always remember to slow down in life; live, breathe, and learn; take a look around you whenever you have time and never forget everything and every person that has the least place within your heart.”
“We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in darkness. By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.”
That just because two people argue,doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue,doesn’t mean they do love each other.
I Believe… That we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I Believe… That no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I Believe… That true friendship continues to grow, even the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I Believe….
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I Believe…
That it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I Believe… That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I Believe… That you can keep going long after you think you can’t.
I Believe… That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I Believe… That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I Believe…
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I Believe… That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I Believe… That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I Believe… That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when
you’re down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I Believe… That sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
I Believe… That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
I Believe… That it isn’t always enough,to be forgiven by others.Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I Believe… That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I Believe… That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,but, we are responsible for who we become.
I Believe…
That you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life Forever.
I Believe… Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I Believe… That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.
I Believe…
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I Believe… That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I Believe… The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything we just make the most of everything.
What road am I taking? I've turned left and right and now I am walking towards a straight path. I've been in dark roads but I found the light and I'm following it. The roads I took are rocky. Some are muddy. Some are smooth. I've traveled while raining. I've traveled also with the sun. I was on my journey with people. But now, I'm alone still traveling. I've took pictures with my journey. I stopped most of the times and thought that I should stop my journey. God is with me during this journey that's why I still continue. And now, I'm not yet halfway but I believe I will still encounter so many things. My map? It's God. I just go where He leads me. I have to know which is the right path but sometimes we really took wrong paths but there's always another way we can take to go on. Just believe and be strong. ;]]
Forgetting things? I’m good at it. Since I was a kid, my mom used to scold me all the time because I’m careless. I lost a lot of pencils, pens, notebooks, test papers and many school things. I also lost my bag in a store during grade school. I just remembered that I left it when I arrived at home. I cried and cried and luckily, my bag was still in the store when I got back.
I forgot my recognition day too. I was supposed to go to the stage and have my First Honor Award but I forgot it. I forgot the date and time. -_-
Now I’m in college and I still forget things. Just this morning, I forgot to go to the Gym for clearance signing. I forgot the rubber shoes I was about to lend to my friend. I forgot to print my homeworks. I forgot to forget love and I forgot to live and be happy.
There are really a lot of things I forget but why is it that the most hurtful ones aren’t the one that I’m forgetting? Why is it that those were the ones that stays on my mind? I wish I could forget how it is to love or to feel the pain.
I wish I could forget that I love him so that I can hate him. But it’s not like that. I love him to the point that even if he’s doing things to make me stay away from him. I wish I could stay but he does not want me. I love him even if I’m not the one whose in his heart.
Well, enough with love and him. See? I don’t forget it. I wish I could forget and just remember the things I should. :]]
I'm wondering what my mind is composed of. If I think too hard, I guess what's in my mind were music, God, food, projects, homeworks, Chylsy, my grandma, future job, life or death, him, pain, clouds and so on. I think from one thing to another and I call it "shifting". I can say that somehow, my mind is normal. It's really wonderful that there's a lot of things in my head.
I wrote this after I had awaken up yesterday afternoon.
Yesterday, I was assigned to make Ching (popo) go to bed. It's so hard to make her go to bed because she's superactive. I tried to bribe her by saying, "If you will sleep, I'll buy you softdrinks, candy or anything you want. Just go to sleep." I just wish she could go to sleep because I'm super tired. I just arrived home with tears in my eyes and holes in my heart and it's really hard to amke her go to sleep. I almost lost my temper but Haha! I won. I made her go to sleep by frightening her about the guard of our subdivison getting her. Haha. Lol.
When she was asleep, I too took my nap. After that, I also wrote this--the same with Mind Bugging. :]]
Acceptance is what I’m doing now. For the first time, I woke up and lived like I was before. I hope this stays with me. I love what I am right now. I’m learning to accept things slowly and it feels better. I guess the thing I needed to heal is just inside me but I never listened hard to what my soul says. Now, I’m ready and I’m facing the world again with a smile and with God’s love and strength. ;]]
I'm totally hurt today. This is the day where I died again. I don't know how to be fine anymore. I'm only trying to be happy but now it all went down. I really don't know if I'll be able to live. I'm really happy before. I try to laugh as hard as I can. I try to smile even i my tears want to flow. I'm dying. Dying in terms of losing myself. And I think I can't be revived. I'm really losing myself and it's no one's fault. I'm not happy anymore with my life. The people I knew don't know me anymore because I'm totally different. -_-
Tomorrow is the 14th of March. While I was on the jeepney, I thought about it. I can't bring yesterday but tomorrow is the day when I will remember all those memories again.
I don't want to be sad. I hope I will not be sad. I wish. I pray. I just want to live again. I don't want to lose as many friends as I can.
I have change a lot since the 26th of October. And now, it's the 13th of March. Days passed by so quickly. I wasted a lot of my time crying and wishing for things to be the same again. But it can't be. There is still hope in my heart telling me that maybe tomorrow he'll be back. Everyday, that thought keeps on bugging me but not all the time. Well, that's what i think. :P
Well, I hope I can face tomorrow clearly. It's not his day anyway, it's God's day and everyday is God's day. I was not born to be happy by myself but to bring and do what God wants me to do. I just wish I can do those things. I need intention.
6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Love does not delight in evil. Love should never enjoy evil. That was told to me yesterday morning. I was looking at the sky while the stars are fading away and while beside the person I really love but not the center of my heart--because God is in the center of my life. I pondered hard about it this morning.
I woke up this morning as usual. But as time passes by while I was lying in bed, God had talked to me. I asked Him why I'm still alive, why I had awaken again. God had answered me through a miracle. I believe its a miracle. There was no water from the faucet. I was taking a bath and when the water from the pail is almost gone, I opened the faucet with faith that God will provide. Water flowed freely. (I asked a sign that if God answers at least one of my prayers, then God still has not let go of me. And He didn't.) From there, God that I will live and I'll stop doing bad things, first and foremost, one of the worst things.
This afternoon, I bought a book. Actually books because they were two. One for/about God and another for life--how to be a human. While on the bookstore, the man I really love sent me a message about something. I have to reply what I ought to and through God, I replied what I need. To show him real love, I have to stop what I should. I asked God for patience and the courage. Maybe someday, I might be tempted but God will always give me the strength to refuse it.
I really love him so I realized that I should show him that I love him because maybe he really thinks that I don't love him. He thinks I'm obsessed with him. In reality I'm not, I know myself. And it hurts because the one you trusted most and hopes that understands you does not. The worst part is he thinks I'm really obsessed with him because it was said to him by a psychologists. It really hurts because that's what he thinks I am. Just because I care for him, for his grades and for his life, he thinks I'm obsessed. Now, I'll show him that it's love and not obsession--by taking up some steps--though it hurts..lalalala
God please help me. Give me the courage and if it is Your will please answer my prayer. I really wanted to be with him but he thinks I'm obsessed and he's at the center of my heart. Please don't make him think about that. Lord, help me to live too and smile. Please. Be my guide in each decision and always help me. Thanks. I love you.
I tired so hard to avoid him but at the end of the day, he saw me. I moved so quickly so that I won't stay so long just to be so close to him. I still did my part to avoid him. There are tears flowing on my eyes when he saw me.
It was terrifying. I don't know what to feel but right now, I'm empty. I saw him for the first time since the day he said goodbye. I waited to check if it was really him. I believe it was him and I was right. At the sight of his eyes, I turned quickly so that he won't notice me.
I promised to stay away and that's what I'm doing. It hurts walking behind and turning the opposite way so that I can avoid him. Ha!
It was such an extraordinary feeling. I hate myself. Ah! It's all coming back. The pain, the agony and so on.
I feel like crying. He won't see me and I know it's nothing to him. I wanted to see him, to hear his voice but all I can do is walk behind. :(
Do I really want you to know what I wanted to say? I wanted too but I don't like that because it might hurt you. I just wanted to express myself but at the same time I would not because it would hurt you. Ah! You've hurt me terribly but I still think about not hurting you. :(
I was happy this morning. I was happy. I was. Now I'm all alone and I feel sad. I'm starting to feel the pain. No matter how I try to look and to be happy, I still fail. This damage took a lot of me.
Expectations. They really hurt. It's not reality that hurts but expectation. Can't I wake up from this sleep? Why has it been too deep? I had fallen into a very deep well and now I'm drowning.
I tried to be contented. While walking, I thought that what matters now is my life; that I should live. I wish I could live. I wish I could be happy. But when the thing you really wanted was lost, it's hard to be happy.
I lost myself. I thought I'm coming back but where am I? I'm lost again.
God. I miss you. Make me happy again. It's hard. My body, half of my mind and half of my heart is not willing. Please, Lord, don't let go of me. I know you love me. The sun shines. A new day for me is always being given. I know there is still something I have to do. I know that I'm still alive because You wanted me to learn to live and accept reality. But Lord, it's really hard for me to accept everything especially when I lost it. Help me. Give me intention to be happy and to live again. Help me not give up.
I can still hear a small voice telling me to live.
The moon looks great. It's so big and luminous. So great. Perfect in the dark bluish sky. Ah. I remember something. Haha. But I won't tell what it is because nothing will change if I tell it. Haha. It won't change the situation right now. Anyway. I'll enjoy watching Spongebob while doing FB. Haha. Lol!!
Wish I could be happy. :]]
"Memories are the only things that don't change, when everything else does."
Sssshhhh. Silence! It's so noisy. My mind shouts so many thoughts. I need a new book. I need ice cream. I wanted to read. I wanted to eat. I wanted to climb another mountain. Haha. Lol.
I wanted to do so many things but there are so many things too that hinders me. Haha.
Today is March 01, 2010. This day will never return again so the time being spent must be valued.
The sky looks good though it's hot. The clouds are fine. The people around me are good.
I went to school. I finished my pending school works--most of them projects. Well, I'm glad I'm done with it. I only have to print it. I ate my lunch with my two friends--Kuya Gerald and John. We talked nice topics. I saw cute children while sitting all alone in front of St. Catherine. Those children are really nice. They are innocent of the things happening. They just play and eat and are happy. I went somewhere I can print some of my projects. I saw my bestfriend's sister. It's been a while since I saw her. It's nice! I went home quickly. I'm writing.
I'm blessed today with so many things. Good things. :]] I'll be happy. I'm starting to find myself again. I hope my way would be clear. :]]
----One thing I wish and prays for is for him to be happy and mature enough. I miss him today. Not only today but every minute. I just hope he'll have a good life. Hmm. I really pray for that. Well, God Bless you wherever you are. :P
Sadness swallows me. Ah! I need a grip. I have to find myself. She's lost. She's not here. I need to see her smiles the way it was last July. She's totally lost. I miss her positive outlook in life. I miss her cool thoughts about the sky, clouds, rainbow, moon and stars. I need to find her. It'll take a very long journey. Yes. She's got to be back.
1..2..3.....
Days passes by so quickly. She's got to be here again. She's got to be in the present. I ought to find her and get her from the past. She needs to stand, to walk. It'll take time.
Day starts. Day ends. I'm sick. Pain can't get away. I think. I got hurt. I cry. I try not to think. I sleep. I dream of him. It hurts again. I cry. I wake up. I think. I got hurt. I sleep again. Day starts. Day ends. New morning. End of the day. JUST THE SAME.
I'm negative. I don't want to be but I'm a bit one now.
I've lost my chance to be a dean's lister this afternoon. I've lost him. I'm miserable. I can't draw anymore. I can't write about good things. I'm tired with my life. It repeats all over again. X|
There's a surreal sadness today. I guess it will stay for a very long time. I can't get over it. X| Yeah. It's the same problem.
I know I have to say goodbye. I know that I'm too much for you. It hurts badly. I'm giving you your rights. Haha. There are hot fluids running down my eyes. :P
Yesterday, I had left you. I can't take it anymore. It hurts. I felt sorry for leaving you since it's the last time I'll see you. But it's what I feel. It hurts badly that I can't take it anymore but to run away from you. X|
I don't know if I can really avoid you. This afternoon in school, I tried to find you. See? I can't really avoid you. But don't worry, I'll try my best so that our souls can't meet again.
It's killing me. Self-destruction. X| Can't help it. I'm looking for God but it seems that I can't find Him. X| I know He's with me in everything. But I just really don't know myself. X|
God has blessed me so much. I just became too blind to see it. I only see the things that I wanted but was never been mine. I always see the things that hurt me rather than the things behind them.
I've been so bad and careless. I've been too blind and numb. I've been too much for everything.
The greatest miracle for me of course is that I am saved but for now the greatest miracle I can tel is that God has shown me the mistakes I got and God has lead me to the way out of it.
He showed me how to be contented with everything. The past five days that I had been alone, God showed me that I can live without the things I really need and the people I really wanted to be with. God made me realize that it is possible to be me again.
I know how it feels to suffer. God did not leave me during those days but I was the one who stopped but still God held my hand and right now, I'm clinging on to Him.
I know God loves me and I've been to blind to see and feel Him. I lowered my trust and became a different person. But now, I know and I will change. Right now, I'm changing.
A miracle of change came to me by this moment. I don't know how to tell it but I'm feeling better now. I have been too depressed and right now, I can say God healed me. And right now, I'm ready to live again. I'm forgetting those things about dying. Right now, I just feel better. I'll live and I will live for God. I won't get affected again. I know God loves me. He will never leave me nor forsake me and He has a better plans for me.
I won the Third Place in Table Tennis Game this morning. I was called to the CIHM Office--Chairperson's office of my College Department--and was asked to pass my grades. It means that I'm a candidate for Dean's Lister. I got good grades on my exam last week. I'm surrounded with people I love.
This blessings are miracles from God. God's love never fails and if we really Trust in Him and depends only to Him, He'll show us His True and Everlasting Love. Just by sending Christ to die in the cross for us to be saved is one great miracle and blessing. Believing in Him saves us. :]]
God loves everyone of us. I hope you'll see HOW GREAT OUR GOD REALLY IS. I hope you'll feel the same thing that I feel right now. :]] God Bless everyone.
Nanette Jan is back. :]] I'm happy about it. I miss myself so much. :]]
I'm searching for a miracle story of mine from my blog--Under Those Clouds--. I've read a lot--from April to August. I've seen that there's a lot of changes from the past and what I am now. Anyway, my next post is my miracle story--the one that I will pass on my assignment tomorrow. I accidentally had it by reading those posts of mine. I miss myself. :]]
I saw your page today because my mom asked me if you have a problem. I read what you had written and it's something serious. I cried while reading your post. It has nothing to do with me but I felt your sadness. Sadness because that's what i think as the appropriate word.
I wanted to do something but I think I have no rights. I wanted to help you. I wanted to be with you so that I may comfort you. I wanted to but all I can do is to sit and cry here.
I'm crying because I know that you are already tired from everything. I'm crying because I know you won't cry. I'm crying because I felt that you are helpless in the situation. I'm crying because I wanted to at least share the pain you have but it's useless. I'm crying even if it's nothing to do for me because I really wish I could do something.
I wish this cry can take away all of your pain, though, it's impossible. I wish God will remove your pain.
Hey. Drew. I wanted to help you. I wish I could. I wanted to give my time to you but what could I do. :'( I really wish you will feel better.
Drew. I'll always be here. Basta if you need me, dito lang ako. If you need someone to talk to, someone whom you can release everything, I'm here. I wanted to comfort you but I don't know how. I WISH I could help you somehow. Anyway, the greatest thing I could do for now is to pray for you to be all right. :(
Madilim kagabi at ako'y nag-iisa sa kwarto. Malungkot at nag-iisip. Tulala habang nakikinig sa Paramore. Biglang may taong lumapit sa akin. Popo ang tawag ko sa kanya. Pipi, "Peeeeee-Peeeeee", naman ang tawag niya sa akin. Tinanong ko si Popo:
Pipi: Patay na ba ako?
Popo: Hindi pa.
Pipi: Bakit hindi pa?
Popo: Kasi ayaw ko.
Pipi: Bakit ayaw mo?
Popo: Kasi love kita.
Ako'y natahimik. Mahal pala ako ni Popo kahit minsan e may sumpong siya at inaaway ako. Kahit na sinasapak, sinasabunutan, dinadaganan, kinakagat at pinapalo niya ako e mahal niya pala ako haha at ayaw niya na ako'y mawala. Haha. Nakakatawa. :]]
I can't really post that you did not love me or anything. I can't because somehow I knew you did. Why just it has to be gone? Why am I born to be not-that-cute? Awtssss. It's hurting me all over again. I can't get over this pain. -_-
I keep on crying since I woke up this morning. I've learned last night that he's totally different already.
He's not the same man I love anymore. He's not the same but still I love him. And it hurts more because his heart changed too. I wish I could die. I really pray for it because I'm miserable.
There's no tomorrow waiting for me. I really wish I could die right now. I'm bad. I'm sorry to the Father up there. I'm really sorry. Take me home. I don't want to be in this world.
I know how to love. But maybe I just did too much. I'm not obsessed nor possessive. I know the difference between the three--love, obsession, possession. I'm not owning you or anything.
I don't know if you knew this blog. I have to change the url because I think you are reading this. I wanted you to know but at the same time I don't. I love you. You don't. Haha.
And I have failed to see that you don't really love me at all. You never loved me. I know the answer is to give up. But I can't. I just better die. Can I die now? Please. Life is beautiful but I'm living in misery. I've lost myself.
God, for all these words He has given me. Me, for all the memories written here. Some pictures are from "photobucket.com". Also from deviantart.com. Daphne Loves Derby for inspiration. imageboo for icon. this man: -_- This line, for everyone I have not mentioned:
I wrote this after I had awaken up yesterday afternoon.
