29th for 28th of February

Sadness swallows me.
Ah! I need a grip.
I have to find myself.
She's lost.
She's not here.
I need to see her smiles the way it was last July.
She's totally lost.
I miss her positive outlook in life.
I miss her cool thoughts about the sky, clouds, rainbow, moon and stars.
I need to find her.
It'll take a very long journey.
Yes. She's got to be back.

1..2..3.....

Days passes by so quickly.
She's got to be here again.
She's got to be in the present.
I ought to find her and get her from the past.
She needs to stand, to walk.
It'll take time.

Please. Be back.

Day 3

Day starts. Day ends.
I'm sick.
Pain can't get away.
I think.
I got hurt.
I cry.
I try not to think.
I sleep.
I dream of him.
It hurts again.
I cry.
I wake up.
I think.
I got hurt.
I sleep again.
Day starts. Day ends.
New morning.
End of the day.
JUST THE SAME.

Lost it.

I can't write.
Ah! The thoughts I had in mind..it's all mixed up.
It's hard.
I can't express myself.

Giving up. Sobs

If I don't eat, nothing will change.
If i do bad things, nothing will change.
It will all be the same.
Just accept.
Haha.
Laugh. Laugh hard. Laugh.

You can do it.
Stand up.
Walk.
Don't look back.
Don't think at all.
Bid goodbye.

Goodbye.

reality hurts

It's hard to forget because it can't be forgotten.
I's hard not to remember because everything reminds me of you.

Of all the people who’ll hurt me most, why should it be the one I cared the most?

I'm afraid. I'm really terrified.

Pessimistic.

I'm negative.
I don't want to be but I'm a bit one now.

I've lost my chance to be a dean's lister this afternoon.
I've lost him.
I'm miserable.
I can't draw anymore.
I can't write about good things.
I'm tired with my life. It repeats all over again. X|

Wish You Knew

There's a surreal sadness today.
I guess it will stay for a very long time.
I can't get over it. X|
Yeah. It's the same problem.

I know I have to say goodbye.
I know that I'm too much for you.
It hurts badly.
I'm giving you your rights.
Haha. There are hot fluids running down my eyes. :P

Yesterday, I had left you.
I can't take it anymore.
It hurts.
I felt sorry for leaving you since it's the last time I'll see you.
But it's what I feel.
It hurts badly that I can't take it anymore but to run away from you. X|

I don't know if I can really avoid you.
This afternoon in school, I tried to find you.
See? I can't really avoid you.
But don't worry, I'll try my best so that our souls can't meet again.

It's killing me.
Self-destruction. X|
Can't help it.
I'm looking for God but it seems that I can't find Him. X|
I know He's with me in everything.
But I just really don't know myself. X|

Opened Eyes!!!

MESSAGE FROM THE PAST

God has blessed me so much. I just became too blind to see it. I only see the things that I wanted but was never been mine. I always see the things that hurt me rather than the things behind them.

I've been so bad and careless. I've been too blind and numb. I've been too much for everything.

The greatest miracle for me of course is that I am saved but for now the greatest miracle I can tel is that God has shown me the mistakes I got and God has lead me to the way out of it.

He showed me how to be contented with everything. The past five days that I had been alone, God showed me that I can live without the things I really need and the people I really wanted to be with. God made me realize that it is possible to be me again.

I know how it feels to suffer. God did not leave me during those days but I was the one who stopped but still God held my hand and right now, I'm clinging on to Him.

I know God loves me and I've been to blind to see and feel Him. I lowered my trust and became a different person. But now, I know and I will change. Right now, I'm changing.

A miracle of change came to me by this moment. I don't know how to tell it but I'm feeling better now. I have been too depressed and right now, I can say God healed me. And right now, I'm ready to live again. I'm forgetting those things about dying. Right now, I just feel better. I'll live and I will live for God. I won't get affected again. I know God loves me. He will never leave me nor forsake me and He has a better plans for me.

I won the Third Place in Table Tennis Game this morning. I was called to the CIHM Office--Chairperson's office of my College Department--and was asked to pass my grades. It means that I'm a candidate for Dean's Lister. I got good grades on my exam last week. I'm surrounded with people I love.

This blessings are miracles from God. God's love never fails and if we really Trust in Him and depends only to Him, He'll show us His True and Everlasting Love. Just by sending Christ to die in the cross for us to be saved is one great miracle and blessing. Believing in Him saves us. :]]

God loves everyone of us. I hope you'll see HOW GREAT OUR GOD REALLY IS. I hope you'll feel the same thing that I feel right now. :]] God Bless everyone.

Nanette Jan is back. :]] I'm happy about it. I miss myself so much. :]]

short introduction :]]

I'm searching for a miracle story of mine from my blog--Under Those Clouds--.
I've read a lot--from April to August.
I've seen that there's a lot of changes from the past and what I am now.
Anyway, my next post is my miracle story--the one that I will pass on my assignment tomorrow.
I accidentally had it by reading those posts of mine.
I miss myself. :]]

Hey Drew. :'(

I saw your page today because my mom asked me if you have a problem.
I read what you had written and it's something serious.
I cried while reading your post.
It has nothing to do with me but I felt your sadness.
Sadness because that's what i think as the appropriate word.

I wanted to do something but I think I have no rights.
I wanted to help you.
I wanted to be with you so that I may comfort you.
I wanted to but all I can do is to sit and cry here.

I'm crying because I know that you are already tired from everything.
I'm crying because I know you won't cry.
I'm crying because I felt that you are helpless in the situation.
I'm crying because I wanted to at least share the pain you have but it's useless.
I'm crying even if it's nothing to do for me because I really wish I could do something.

I wish this cry can take away all of your pain, though, it's impossible.
I wish God will remove your pain.

Hey. Drew. I wanted to help you.
I wish I could.
I wanted to give my time to you but what could I do.
:'(
I really wish you will feel better.

Drew. I'll always be here. Basta if you need me, dito lang ako. If you need someone to talk to, someone whom you can release everything, I'm here. I wanted to comfort you but I don't know how. I WISH I could help you somehow. Anyway, the greatest thing I could do for now is to pray for you to be all right. :(

:'(
I can't stop crying. :'(

Filipino Post. :))

Madilim kagabi at ako'y nag-iisa sa kwarto. Malungkot at nag-iisip. Tulala habang nakikinig sa Paramore. Biglang may taong lumapit sa akin. Popo ang tawag ko sa kanya. Pipi, "Peeeeee-Peeeeee", naman ang tawag niya sa akin. Tinanong ko si Popo:

Pipi: Patay na ba ako?

Popo: Hindi pa.

Pipi: Bakit hindi pa?

Popo: Kasi ayaw ko.

Pipi: Bakit ayaw mo?

Popo: Kasi love kita.

Ako'y natahimik. Mahal pala ako ni Popo kahit minsan e may sumpong siya at inaaway ako. Kahit na sinasapak, sinasabunutan, dinadaganan, kinakagat at pinapalo niya ako e mahal niya pala ako haha at ayaw niya na ako'y mawala. Haha. Nakakatawa. :]]

and that's where I want to be yeah

I can't really post that you did not love me or anything.
I can't because somehow I knew you did.
Why just it has to be gone?
Why am I born to be not-that-cute?
Awtssss.
It's hurting me all over again.
I can't get over this pain. -_-

PingPing

I'm Pingping.
He's Pingping.

Kiseki just changed to Pingping.

I miss Kiseki.
Nyah.
The man who's a miracle from heaven. X|
He's gone.
He left.
I still keep on waiting for him to come back.
Wish he would. X|

Well. I just can't live on anymore.
Days and Nights will pass and 'll still be stuck here while he's there totally forgetting me.

Haha. Done with my life.
Please take me. -_-

him

Being left behind is scary as leaving.
I can remember you but can you remember me?
After a long time will you forget me too?

It's not yet a long time but you had already forgotten.
*-_-

Not the SAME

I keep on crying since I woke up this morning.
I've learned last night that he's totally different already.

He's not the same man I love anymore.
He's not the same but still I love him.
And it hurts more because his heart changed too.
I wish I could die.
I really pray for it because I'm miserable.

Bah!

What's more to life that I should still live?
I'm tired of the pain I have.
I know God cares but why isn't it taken?

forever lost

I feel so sorry for me.
I'm speaking the same words again.
ㅠ_ㅠ

I want to leave not live.

There's no tomorrow waiting for me.
I really wish I could die right now.
I'm bad.
I'm sorry to the Father up there.
I'm really sorry.
Take me home.
I don't want to be in this world.

All was Illusion

I know how to love. But maybe I just did too much.
I'm not obsessed nor possessive.
I know the difference between the three--love, obsession, possession.
I'm not owning you or anything.

Everything I hoped for is just an illusion.

나 바보. --------ㅠ_ㅠ

Open Door Behind

I don't know if you knew this blog.
I have to change the url because I think you are reading this.
I wanted you to know but at the same time I don't.
I love you.
You don't.
Haha.

Escape from Reality

And I have failed to see that you don't really love me at all.
You never loved me.
I know the answer is to give up.
But I can't.
I just better die.
Can I die now?
Please.
Life is beautiful but I'm living in misery.
I've lost myself.

Death.

I am not afraid to die.
What I'm afraid is how I'm going to die.

I wish I could

Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.

You left me.

It's proven already.
You left.
Though, it's not required for you to stay and wait for me.
But now, I know.
Everyone will leave me but only one stayed.
Well, I wish it was you but no, it wasn't.

If I make it for a week, then maybe I can, already.

I love you and you really don't appreciate it.
I wish you would.
Well. Maybe, I really can't do anything about it.

Better not to speak or write about it.

:'(

I WISH YOU KNEW THIS WAS ABOUT YOU

I wrote this during my English class. I haven't slept yet.:

I stood there. I was hugged tightly by you. Nothing matters when you did that. I felt the time stopped. So that's how it feels?

I felt secured when you walked with me. I'm really afraid of the dogs. But what kept me from sleeping is that I kept on thinking about what we had talked last night.

You told me that you are stuck from the past. Your past. The one you really love. I wish it was me but hmm I wasn't. I don't know if I could ever be but I still hope. Anyway, as I was writing, you are stuck from the past. The man stuck. Maybe, I too would be the same. The girl stuck from you.

You told me that somehow, I still have a place in your life but it is not clear. You said that you somehow love me. You said you cares for me. You said that we would not be close like this even if you broke up with me if you still love me. You asked me if we could be friends or if I want distance.

I answered no because I can't degrade myself from being a girl you love to just a friend. I told you that I don't want distance because it'll just hurt more. I said I wish I could be more beautiful and you said that it is not in the looks.

I saw something and it's what gave way to our talk last night. I became upset when I knew that you wanted to kiss someone and that you said to that someone that you don't have a beloved and you are not with her. I just suddenly broke my happiness.

I guess I'll always stay like this. Well, I have no rights to complain because it's what I have chosen. I chose to stay even if it hurts a lot. I chose to wait and hope because I'm holding on to that little place of mine in your life. I pray it will not fade away. I hope that somehow, someday you'll realize.

I really love you and I'm sorry for those things I'm doing. I just will keep on hoping like you do to that past love of yours. We are just in the same situation so I don't know what to do. I'll just wait. X|

-February 09, 2010, 7:30am

Happiness Surrounds Me

It was my first time to be officially late on my subject.
I was never officially late since High School.
I was not alone though.
All my other top classmates were with me.

I don't want to eat lunch.
I just don't feel like eating today.
I also felt that during breakfast.
But I ate because it's what's supposed to be done.
During lunch, in an eatery outside school, with my classmates, we ate.
The old lady gave me a hot soup even if I have my own food brought there.
It's nice of her.

While walking after lunch, my classmate said take care to me.
Take Care!
The thing I always say to them, before. X|

My classmate did a favor to me.
It's a hot day but she still did the favor.

I'm loved by my friends.
I have them kept closely.

• God loves me.

But all these things aren't what I was looking for.
I'm thankful with all these things that's happening to me.
But there's something missing. X|

Hmmm. I know I should be happy and contented.
But my heart and mind tells me that I can't be.

I just hope and wait. X|

Where Am I Now?

I was watching the television for over an hour.
A question got into my mind.
Where am I really headed for?
Ha! I'm wasting my time for a nonsense.

I missed out the chances of being a good IHM Student.
I'm one great student. I think.
Well, it's because I have good grades and so on.
But still, for me, it's not yet what I really want.

Time passes quickly and now, I still have a lot of time to be great.
I'll focus more on my course, my specialty.

I'm not yet contented in what I'm achieving right now.
I'll be better.

God please help me.
I'll do it for You.
To show everyone that You shine in my life.
It's time to be a good person.

I'll stop wasting my time. :P
I'll stop wasting my life. :]]

Post 14. Letter Again for You.

February 07, 2010, 12:50 am
Sunday

Dear "You",

February 14.
Another Heart's Day for this year. 2010!
14.
Yeah, 14 is coming.

Another day for me to feel that I'm alive.
A day to feel pain! X|

14. Yeah. 14.

While I was walking in the city by 8:30pm, I remembered July.
I know it's bad to remember those days because it's gone.
I just remembered that day where it all began.
The day I smiled and you smiled.
The start of my happiness turned misery.

I also remembered our doodles.
We were writing "I love you" to each other so many times at the back of your little blue notebook.
We weren't talking too.
We just write there at the back of that notebook.
Where could that notebook be?
Do you still read those doodles?
I wish we just used mine so that I can always look back at it.

I also remember the nights that we were together.
One cold night in September, us and our friends were together, they made a way for us to meet.
Do you remember? We weren't allowed to see each other that night by the CSC President.
Well, we still had our chance to meet.

I remember when you say I love you to me.
I remember your voice.

I remember when you looked for me.
I hid at the gazebo where students don't usually come.
I was writing something and I did not reply at your messages.
I was surprised to see you at my back.
I was surprised when you told me that you were looking for me.
You had sweat on you forehead and I'm really sorry to let you look for me.

I remember when we used to walk in the dark streets of our subdivision.
I'm always afraid to walk alone but when you were there, I wasn't.

I remember the night before your tour.
We sat on a bench near Gate 3 on our school.
We talked about things.
We were just there and the wind blows continuously.
You said that it was nice to be there and just sit with me.
You were enjoying as well as me.
The lights were turned on by the guard and we laughed when we heard the guard say that tehre's someone there having a date.

I remember that everytime I write a letter for you, I always write "Love lots,"

I remember the nights we had in Mcdonalds, KFC and Jollibee.
I remember.

All I want to remember were the good things.
It makes me forget of the sad moments I had.

But it's not like that always.

Whenever I remember those good moments with you, I feel sad too.
It's because I know that it's gone.

Can't it be the same anymore?
I'm really a jerk for hoping for nothing.
Is it really nothing?
I mean is it really gone?

I wish I could be more good-looking.
I wish I could be more beautiful so that you won't have to look on others too.
I wish I could be good to look at so that you won't give a space when beautiful girls are coming near.
I wish I could be someone who'll meet your contentment.

I'm not.
And it really breaks my heart apart. X|

14 is coming.
That is the day I waited for so long, before.
The day we were supposed to be 6 months.
It's done as you said.

But I still hope.
I still wait.

Ha! I'm really stupid.
Like you said.
I'm really really stupid.
X|

Goodnight and God Bless You wherever you are right now.

Love lots,
Nanette Jan

Better Days

I wish everyone was loved tonight

and somehow stop this endless fight.
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.

Yeah. How I wish that everyone was happy at this moment.
I'm finding the right words to write. :P
I hope I can collect them all and write on my next post.

Good Evening everyone!
I'm back again!